Slim Thug, Black Women and the Truth

The comments that rapper Slim Thug made about Black women and relationships have been under heavy fire for the past week, and let's just say that Black women are livid.

In a nutshell, the rapper-turned-relationship-expert-extraordinaire compared Black women with White, and Black women came out on the bottom, per his opinion. But this is not all that is to be said on the topic. Here is the article for reference, then continue on to the rest of the blog:

http://www.vibe.com/posts/slim-thug-black-women-need-stand-their-man-more

First, those comments were Slim Thug's opinions on women, plain and simple. Yet it's lit a fire under Black women that seems impossible to quench - so intense is the anger. I doubt that it's because Black women everywhere are upset at the notion that they will never be a part of Slim Thug's life. I don't think that it's because their lot is the same when it comes to Slim Thug's brother who also won't date Black women either.

Is it possibly because it was WHITE women who were celebrated in this article compared to Black women? Jackpot!

The fact that Slim compared White women to Black women and drew the conclusion that White women were more desirable than they, is more than a Black woman can take.

I don't believe in extremes, so to credit all White women with the ability to treat their men right and to doom Black women as companions that will never get it right is wrong. And since I don't believe in extremes, I'm not about to flip the script and dog white women either. Slim's approach was less than tasteful, but sadly, there was a lot of truth in what he said. Before I dive into those treacherous waters, there is something that Slim left out. He brags about what his half-white girlfriend does for him; he boasts of his brother's taunts that "Y'all gotta go through all that shit but my White woman is fine;" but there is no mention whatsoever of what he is doing for his woman. More on that later. Let me dive.

I sincerely believe that Black women DO need to stand by their men more, and I'll explain what I mean. Don't conjure up images in your head of being a doormat because that's the exact opposite of what it means to stand by your man. Does this sound familiar? "I don't need no man to take care of me," "I pay my own bills boo boo," "Ain't no man gonna tell me what to do!" It's the ATTITUDE behind these words that I'm addressing. The ATTITUDE.

It's this I'm-A-Stong-Black-Woman syndrome that keeps pushing men away. It's a defensive attitude that makes it impossible for Black women to treat men right! Black women carry this attitude into a relationship, and the man can't be ... a man. This defensive woman is always ready for an attack to come her way even where there is none. Here's an example, a REAL example. A couple is out on a date; this is very early in the relationship. The date is over, and the guy pulls to the curb in front of the girl's house. He gets out and runs around to her side to open the door for her. Her reaction? He's holding out his hand for her to take it, and she goes, "You don't have to do that for me; I know how to get out of a car." DAMN! Let the man be a man. (See, she doesn't NEED a man; this is how it's manifest in little situations.) Black women are so "strong" they don't realize that they are hiding fear, disappointment, cynicism, hurt and bitterness and calling it strength.

We can't have it both ways. I've seen the reaction on the faces of Black women when a Black man enters a room with a White woman on his arm.

Here are the comments from the Black women. "He's only with her for status;" "He must be rich or something;" "He only likes her because she's white;" "She's only with him because he's rich;" "He's a sell-out." And they are literally MAD at this guy that they don't even know! Who he dates is his business. Period. And here is the double standard. Chances are that if that same guy tried to approach one of these sisters he'd get shot down if he wasn't tall enough; dressed well enough; wasn't driving the right car .... There are so many things Black men have to do and be before they are suitable. No wonder they're sick and tired!

Let me ask the ladies this question. What are YOU bringing to the table. I'm tired of the "My man ... "conversations. You know what I mean. "My man will do this; my man will do that." What will YOU do for YOUR man? What are you offering? Are you educating yourself? Are you taking care of your body? Are you an independent thinker? Are you a leader? Are you willing to pamper your man? What are your goals? Can you carry a conversation about life, politics, art, music, community? Are you humble enough to cook for him if he wanted, or is that another, "Ain't no man gonna tell me ..." Are you willing to let him be a MAN? There is a word Slim used: King. Are you willing to treat your man like a KING? We always want to be some kind of queen.

Well you're only a queen if you are with a king. Can you make him feel that way day in and day out just by your actions? Can you? Or will it be all about you and what you want?

The old pining, "There are no good men out there" is false. They're out there. Some of you just don't see it because your definition of a "good man" needs adjusting. You date the player with money, nice car, great house, he spoils you rotten with material things, then when he cheats on you your heart is broken and you cry "There are no good men out there!" You looked for the wrong things as your criteria. It's like this. Let's say that you think the color red is really called "blue" and you're looking for a red shirt. You will go shopping and stare at red shirts all day, and eventually cry, "There are no red shirts anywhere!" It's right in front of you but because you aren't programmed to see it as red, because you think it's blue, you miss out. Good men are right in front of you, but if you don't see money, status, a certain look, or hear the right lyrics, you miss out. Revisit your definition of "good man."

I was not born or raised in this country. I'm not American, but I have lived here for quite some time, and I can tell you that Black women in America are very, very different. Of course I haven't met all the African American women in this country, but of those I HAVE met, I found many of them to have a defensiveness when it comes to men. It's like them against the men! And I understand that it comes from past hurt, pain and disappointment, but if you remember anything at all from this blog, please remember this - you CAN have meaningful, loving and LASTING relationships with your men. And I mean drama-free, gentle, fun, healthy, exciting, loving and faithful relationships. My husband is African American and he is amazing! I suppose I got one of the "good men;" but my point is that there is nothing more beautiful to me than letting my man be a MAN, and because he is a real man, hey, I don't mind cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, meeting his needs, because a real MAN reciprocates it right back to you. He does the same and more for me. It works BOTH ways. And this is where I go back to Slim and his neglect to mention what HE brings to the relationship.

Slim-the-counselor says that relationships should be 50/50, yet his article celebrates only what the White women are doing! Slim what are you bringing to the table?

And I'm not talking about being a rapper and making money and wearing bling. A real man does not want his woman to be a doormat that waits on him hand and foot. A real man doesn't brag that his woman does whatever he wants. My dog can do that - he's very well-trained. A real man isn't happy with a partner who isn't his equal. A real man wants to walk side-by-side with his woman - Black or White - and enjoy the journey together. And a real woman won't step in front of her man, put her hands on him, belittle or disrespect him. But she doesn't walk behind him either.

Slim is also off on another point. He says that relationships should be 50/50. WRONG!! They should be 100/100 with each person giving his or her all to the other. If you are not complete in yourself, you won't be able to really give anything to another person. Instead you will drain them in attempts to find fulfillment in them.

I may not have liked the way that Slim spoke in his article, but it doesn't mean that a message wasn't in there. Cut through it all, and be honest with yourselves: Black women need to step up and be the women they are meant to be. The impression the world is getting isn't a favorable one. Things have to change and it starts with just one woman.

It starts with you.

Reality Love

With the Monday finale of Tough Love, two couples were joined in marriage in front of millions of viewers. The happy ending was truly the finale to a long and vigorous journey throughout boot-camp. After being given the ultimatum by the shows host, Steve Ward, these couples had to either break-up or get engaged at the end of the season. These real-life couples were put to the test to see if their relationships could survive for better or worse.

This form of reality T.V. allows other real-life couples to watch and observe the hardships of relationships and re-evaluate their own. Reality T.V. has made it easier for people to connect on a global scale. Some people fear that the way they live is abnormal, but once they see that someone else is just like them, they feel at ease.

Being in a relationship is difficult and following these couples through their journeys to grow as a team enables and encourages people viewing to apply the shows tactics to their own relationships. They don't have to get famous and apply for the show, but having reality T.V. available is worthy.

Going green? Signs of Jealousy in your relationship

The Green Eyed Monster is one of the most uninvited guests into a relationship. Jealousy rears its ugly head hiding the insecurity and low self-esteem that we truly suffer from. While many believe they can find valid reasons for doubting their significant other's fidelity, ultimately, jealousy is good at telling you that your worries of cheating are bound to come true.

Forewarned is forearmed so take these steps to heart and keep the green eyed monster at bay.

Take a step back - Jealousy ramps negativity and anger up quickly. By the time we're at this point, we are already beyond sound thinking and judgment. Take a breather when you feel your body tense up, your lungs breathing heavy and your heart pounding at the thoughts of your lover laughing, touching and taking phone numbers from someone else.

Talk with a friend - Having a friend to talk to can give you and outside view. A good friend will have no issues telling you that you are way off if jealousy is making you see things. Also talking out your feelings will help deflate some of the energy revving them up and beyond control.

Express your feelings - Tell your partner how you feel. If you have fears that they'll leave you, cheat on you, find someone else, they need to know that these doubts and insecurities are running you. Expressing your feelings to your partner will also help break down those walls that keep you and jealousy up talking all day and all night.

Look at your own past- Most people who suffer from jealousy now have been dealing with it their entire life. Maybe it was your parents' divorce, maybe it's a sense of abandonment or maybe your previous girlfriend or boyfriend ran around on you. Whatever it is, look at your past for the roots of your inner aching.

Set boundaries - Usually the feelings that your partner is flirting or you beloved is laughing too hard at someone's jokes is because there are no boundaries. You and your partner should have clear understandings about eating and drinking with others, physical contact and what activities with other people are and are not acceptable.

End the end, jealousy can always find a crack in the relationship where it can set root. But like any weed, it can be pulled for better and healthier growth.

But We Never DID Anything - The Dangers of Emotional Affairs

We often define an affair as sexual relations with someone outside of the relationship. We look for rendezvous in hotels, lipstick on collars and misspoken names during peaks of intimacy. However, while physical affairs are certainly detrimental to relationships, emotional affairs are just as destructive.

Emotional affairs are connections with others outside of the relationship that should only be with our spouse or partner. Emotional affairs are intimate conversations, anticipations, levels of trust and expectations of satisfaction that should only be with and for our special someones. True, it is not sex, but too many moments of bearing your soul with that cute coworker or too many heart-to-heart conversations about your hopes and dreams can lead to feelings shifting from your current partner. Emotional affairs start harmless by "just talking" and often find their roots in difficult moments in your present relationship. Soon enough however, just talking can lead to lunches, drinks, dinners and possibly even physical contact.

Be careful in your emotional connections. When you feel that your partner is distant, talk about how connected you both still are. Resume talking like you once did when the courtship phase was in effect and save those special anticipations, levels of trust and expectations of satisfaction for the one you're with.

Fighting Temptations

There’s an old saying that the best way to fight a temptation is to give in to it! While obviously a humorous take on dealing with the moral struggles, there is a serious weight to these love life dangers. We all know what being tempted can lead to. Anyone remember a certain apple in a garden?

Temptations come in all shapes and sizes and could be former addictions (drinking, pornography), former lovers (ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends), bad habits or even potential new lovers (that cute, flirty girl at the coffee shop.) Whatever the struggle, there are several steps to dealing with temptations and how to fight them.


Identify the temptation(s) – Knowing where your weak spots are will help you protect them. Know if you’re longing for attention or if you’re in need of physical satisfaction. Being aware of your weak points will let you know if you should avoid that shoulder-to-cry-on cutie or miss hands-on-your-sore-shoulders.

Avoid them if possible – Temptations can always put a little doubt into your relationship focus but they can only do so much if you steer clear of them. If it’s someone other than your sweetheart who makes you feel the warm and fuzzies, stay away from them. If it’s someone other than your spouse who flirts with you and interests you, stay clear of this person as they can work those weak spots.

Strengthen your relationship – Weak spots and temptations can lead to love life damage if the relationship is weak itself. Do your best to strengthen your relationship emotionally and physically through communication, quality time together and a healthy sexual connection. As long as both of you are invested sincerely and strongly in your life together, temptations can try but they’ll fail.

Restoring trust in a broken relationship

Maybe it's mistrust from lies. Maybe it's hurt from deception. Maybe it's hiding money, too many nights out at the club or something as bad as cheating. Whatever the reason, once trust is lost in a relationship, restoring it is extremely difficult. When hearts hurt and relationships are broken, how can we go back to allowing ourselves to be vulnerable?

Own your feelings - You're going to be hurt. You're going to be angry. There will be disappointment and doubt. While most people may run from these emotions, you cannot bottle them up. Realizing that there are valid negative feelings will help begin the healing process within one another. Otherwise, you'll be play acting and rebuilding on a false foundation.

Both of you must be sincere - The one who screwed up must be genuinely sorry and the one who accepts the apology must genuinely accept it. Too often people accept "I'm sorry" only to secretly wait to get back at the offender with their own lying or affair. Being sincere means letting go of the past and establishing a sense of vulnerability again that the relationship will need.

Forgiveness is key - Forgiving the person who screwed up as well as they forgiving themselves is a neccessity. Holding onto resentment and harboring thoughts of revenge will deteriorate your relationship before it truly gets started. Whether it be through counseling, prayer, talking it out with friends or all of the above, forgiving one another and yourselves is a great step towards healing a broken relationship.

Old habits cannot be repeated - Nothing damages an already wounded relationship like wounding it all over again. Lying, stealing, hiding or cheating will open up wounds barely closing on the surface, much less deeper still. When trust has been broken, whatever acts that broke it cannot be repeated at all. New habits need to form which promote the relationship, not damage it.

A new relationship has to start - Many times, a wounded relationship cannot be restarted. A new one must take its place. Take the time to explore one another, date one another and discover yourselves as you move into a fresh start, leaving behind some of the pain and difficulty that lurked in the past. Don't turn a blind eye to what happen but realize that you may have been two people who need a new beginning with each other.

No boardroom, No bedroom? Keeping Sex Alive After the Layoff

Unemployment is a blow to the finances, but it's also a shot to self-esteem and romance as well. Losing one's job can also cause a loss of sex drive that can damage a strained relationship even more.

Understand sexual desires can be threatened - The suddenly unemployed can feel a loss of sexual prowess. The other partner can also feel a shift in romantic feelings as they can become secretly resentful. Understanding that sexual desires can be threatened and tested can help prepare you both. Renew the passion for each both physically and emotionally. Keep words of both encouragement and lust coming.

Communicate about your sex life - Talk, talk and talk. The more communication, the more you'll both stay on each other's mind and in each other's mental bedroom.

Explore new sexiness - Job loss often means time gained. Use it for self-discovery and sexual discovery. Use this time for exercise and health while gaining new levels of energy and sexuality. Consider new fantasies or old fantasies never fulfilled. Think about role playing or wearing sexy clothing (or no clothing) when the working spouse comes through the door!

Keep having sex - Often when unemployed, one's focus can completely turn to job-hunting. While that is a good thing, focusing on getting work is only healthy if its balanced out with the good things in life: like sex. Don't forget the nurture the relationship, including the sexual part of it. Date like the old days or date low-key because of money. Flirt, touch and keep up the physical parts of your relationship.

Renew You: Recycling Together

Relationships mean a lot of things done together. We live together. We grow together. We love together. As we, as a planet, are ever trying to move more towards a greener society, being in a relationship can also mean we recycle together. Reusing, renewing and recycling as a couple not only works on those bonds between us but helps us do our part for the environment. When we're recycling, we should review if we're really getting all the items that could be reused.

Consider recycling the following items when going green: * Used spaghetti sauce bottles * Plastic enclosures for pop cans * Cardboard bottoms for pop cans * Plastic containers for deli bought cookies and muffins * Used shampoo bottles * Used coffee cans * Aluminum foil rolls * Used spray bottles * Empty beer bottles * Used wine coolers * Empty cleaning containers (plastics, metal and glass)

Recycling is a constant effort that not only strengthens our environment but, when done as a couple, can strengthen our relationship. Give each other that gold star when one of you makes that extra effort to recycle. Flirt and be sexy as you gather up your bins of cans and plastic! Work together as you two both strive to help make the world a better place for your children and yourselves.

Old Love...Leave me Alone! Are you Loving in the Past?

Are you stuck loving in the past? Your Romeo’s or Juliet’s of the past may be good in hindsight but is it, was it, real or are rose-tinted glasses changing your view? All too often we find ourselves at the crossroads of our current relationship. Maybe they’re tough times, maybe it’s disappointment but whatever the case, do you find yourself thinking of a past love? Do you find yourself thinking “I was happier then…” Or have you found that a part of you is still angry at someone for something they did to you? A boyfriend who cheated or a girl who just up and disappeared? If you’re still waiting for closure or holding on to old hurts, guess what? You’re still in love. You’re still tied to this person and using rose-tinted glasses to allow you to think they’re worth current thoughts and feelings.

The past is the past for a reason: it’s gone. It’s great to have fond memories, but the present has its own priority, regardless of its difficulties. Being stuck in yesterday handicaps you today and definitely tomorrow. While an old love can have a special place, there’s a reason why they’re a former flame. Remember the real times as you remember the good times too.

Are you really sexy and single?

So you think your sexy and single? That's great but do you really think you're single and sexy? Do you really believe it or are you perpetrating, frontin' and basically lying to yourself and everyone else? And are you really sexy and are you truly single?

Sexy is defined as attractive, stimulating, appealing and interesting. Another key element of sexiness is confidence. So, while you may think sexy is tight clothes and revealing necklines, are you really sexy or are you playing sexy? How is your confidence level? Get comfortable with yourself and your body. Be fully aware of the balance between your shortcomings and your strong attributes. Sexiness is about evolving and growing through your life. Sexiness is ultimately about energy and you need to know how much you honestly have in order to use the "s" word!

Being single is more than just not being with someone. Are you truly available and ready for a new relationship? Ask yourself if you've let go of that old flame and lingering "ex." If you're still holding on to closure that's never coming, then you're not single. You're just alone. Are you making yourself truly available by going places where single people go or are you tagging along with your old aunt Getrude to her bingo meetings every night? In order to be honestly available, you need to do things that available people do. Allow yourself to be "out there" for people to meet you and discover the greatness you have to offer.

Same old or New Attitude - Resolutions for Better Love in 2010

Here we are, beyond the first decade of the 2000s. And amidst ideas like losing weight, getting a better job and paying off our debt, having that better relationship and better love could be the best resolution yet. Loving better sounds great but where do we start?

Changing the way we love in 2010 is simple. But it requires some honesty and hard looks at ourselves. Look at where you're unhappy in your relationship. Is it sexually? Is it about communication? Taking a good close look at where you're unhappy is necessary and so is looking at where you are happy. Knowing the areas where you are satisfied can remind you of your partner's good points and also what you find fulfilling so you can look for more of it. Also ask your special someone about where they are unsatisfied/satisfied will give you and your relationship a new direction for 2010.

How to Protect Your Relationship on New Year's Eve

With New Year's Eve right around the corner, parties, drinking and wild times are sure to follow. Before the stroke of midnight, partying goes up and relationships can go down - Especially if you can't party with one another! With booze flowing and good times in the air, innuendos, dirty dancing, and old flame drunk dialing can rear their ugly heads. While it may seem harmless at the time, what you do at that New Year's Eve party could have lasting effects on your relationship long after that apple falls in Time Square. With a few steps, however, protecting your relationship on New Year's Eve can be as easy as making a list of resolutions you won't keep!

• Watch Those Parties - New year's Eve parties receive a lot of hype for drinking, dancing and wildness. But take a good look at the party you're going to and be aware if there will any temptations, desirables or individuals that could cause trouble for your relationship. Old flames, co-workers or friends who may have had their eyes on you should be warning signs on parties to skip or leave early.

• Be Careful with Drinking - "En vino veritas!" In wine, there is truth. Watch how much alcohol you intake as every glass could be leading you to bad choices and skewed perspectives on what's acceptable behavior. Remember, even the best boyfriend, husband, wife or girlfriend could make a mistake while under the influence. It could be unnecessary physical contact that could make your partner jealous or get back to them (if they're not with you) and be much worse as the story gets relayed!

• Have a Designated Conscience - Designated Drivers are a must and so are Designated Consciences. Have a good friend or relative who you trust that will keep an eye on you in case a situation arises that has you making a jackass out of yourself. If you're doing Tequila shots and that cute girl from the apartment upstairs starts dancing with you, having a friend keep you on the straight and narrow could keep you from entering 2010 single and a jerk.

• Keep Your Special Someone on Speed Dial - If your sweetheart isn't with you at the party, have them on speed dial and as a picture on your cellphone. Nothing keeps you as grounded as having your baby's face looking at you from your iPhone even as that hot guy is winking at you. Also, if you get the drunk loneliness syndrome, you can call them up and talk to them. Drunk dialing your girl is much better than drunk dialing an ex-freak from back in the day who may meet you up while you're drunk.

• Think "What if They Were Here?" - The ultimate way to keep yourself from screwing up your relationship on New Year's Eve is to think "What if They Were Here?" Regardless of how drunk you are or how hot the person flirting with you is, keeping a mental picture of your special someone should keep you from royally screwing up.

Ultimately, having a good time on New Year's Eve is important. But having a safe one is the real goal. Ring in the new year correct and you and your honey will start 2010 off right.

Learn to Love It - College conferece focuses on Relationships

Ever been told that you need to learn a thing or two about relationships? Usually you hear this from someone you're dating (or was dating!) right as they're about to kick you to the curb! However, your prayers (or the prayers of your significant other) have been answered: a class for relationships has been offered.

In November of 2009, over 200 students from 50 colleges and universities converged on Princeton campus to attend the second annual conference "Sexuality, Integrity and the University." The conference focused on the mentalities of sex and relationships on college campuses today. The conference's purpose was education of the students in attendance towards sex and relationships and how students can "uphold ...in our very sex pressured society."

Students from universities including Harvard, University of Virginia and Princeton gathered to discuss beliefs in sex, relationship practices, pressure on campuses towards negative sexual views and self-happiness and esteem.

Hopefully, universities will adopt this idea and start teaching more incoming freshmen about relationships as well as graduating seniors. Too many educations are side-tracked because of broken hearts and wounded loves. In addition, how many of us could use a little love tutoring? Most would (and should!) stay after school for that.